Dreaming With A Broken Heart
by timeishealing
Summary: 'Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand? Would you get them if I did? No you won't, cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.' oneshot songfic. one-sided S/L.


_When you're dreaming with a broken heart,__  
>the waking up is the hardest part.<em>

"Potter, cut it out, you horrid git!" Lily's slightly high-pitched yell came to Severus' ears and he turned around, watching as the most beautiful girl, no, _woman _came right to his side and hastily shot a grin at him. His stomach twisted pleasantly. Severus looked back over to James, who's normally lightly tanned skin went Malfoy pale and his hazel eyes widened in fear. Severus smirked to himself.

"Lily flower! I, uh, was just teaching Sniv-Snape here a lesson," He paused and composed himself, pasting on a dreadfully arrogant grin and messing up his spiky black hair. "You know, man to, uh, _boy_."

Lily scowled and tugged her books closer to her chest. "First, do not call me Lily flower. It's not clever, it's not sweet. Second, Severus here is more of a man than you'll ever be. God, you just can't grow the bloody hell up." And with her cruel words, she grabbed his hand and stormed away from the narrow-eyed, red faced Gryffindor Captain.

They stopped near the lake and she dropped all her books in a rush as she gently dabbed at the cut on his cheekbone.

"It's nothing," He mumbled, turning away slightly. "I've had worse." That he did and with a shiver, he pushed away memories of being in an empty house with his drunken father while putting on his perfected bored look. Lily stared at him with her calculating green eyes before murmuring something under her breath and pulling out her wand to heal him.

He pushed it away and the spell shot uselessly at the surface of the lake. Lily shot him a wary glare before moving away with a huff.

"Lily..." He trailed off, sighing. How could he explain the humiliation he felt when she did his fighting for him? He loved her more than anything, he'd be willing to, hell, serve that nut job Voldemort for her, but sometimes he just wished she'd back off when it came to Potter. "I'm sorry. Friends?" He asked timidly, holding out his arms.

She huffed again and seemed to argue within herself before smiling softly and hugging him around the waist, breathing in his usual smell of woods and common potion ingredients. He hugged her back, closing his eyes and taking in her soft red locks, her soft freckled skin and the smell of lilacs.

"Always, Sev. I promise."

Severus Snape woke up in his bed with a violent start, eyes wide with pain and shock and skin drenched in cold sweat.

_You roll out of bed and down on your knees,_  
><em>and for a moment you can hardly breathe.<em>

The memory still played in his mind and the shock of waking up in his bedroom and not his dormitory was enough to make him fall out of the comfy bed and down on his hands and knees. He heaved, feeling as though all he could do was pray that he'd throw up and then go back to a hopefully dreamless sleep. Sucking in deep breaths of air, he started to sob.

Tears rolled down his face and his body racked with heart wrenching sobs.

_Wondering, was she really here?_  
><em>Is she standing in my room?<em>

Her words, though, they sounded so real. They sounded as if she was standing beside his bed. With a small sniffle, that induced a great wave of self-pity to rise in him, he looked up, looking around the room. The walls were still dark marble that glinted in sunlight. The floors were cold stone and felt damp in winter months. His bed stood tall and sturdy off the ground next to him. The bookshelves were untouched and so was his picture of Lily.

There was no sign of anyone else but him. Of course, he was a pathetic moron for even wondering. He picked himself up off the floor and stared out the window to the moon, wiping away tears bitterly. His pale hands gripped the sill with desperation.

_No she's not,_  
><em>cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.<em>

Lily was in James Potter's arms right now, probably dreaming of a long and love-filled future including the two of them and their quite young child(Harry, was it?). Severus Snape didn't fit into their future. Severus Snape never fit in the first place. He sat on his bed, staring at the twisting snake on his forearm as the moonlight played shadows on his solemn face.

He didn't need her. She just held him back in the first place. The light would never prevail in the shadow of the Dark Lord's power. Love was a useless pathetic thing of an emotion. Lord Voldemort would win and all those who foolishly thought that love and goodness would overpower them would perish in their grasp.

He only hoped Lily Ev-_Potter _wasn't one of them.

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart,_  
><em>the giving up is the hardest part.<em>

Once again, Severus woke up with a start. Only this time, it was a year later and not because of a bitter memory. He sat up, squinting at his enchanted calender. Neon letters shone out to him. October 31st. He nodded and began to lay back down. Then he remembered with a gasp. Tonight was the night. Voldemort told his followers that he was doing it tonight. He was gong to kill the Potters and squash out any chance of that prophecy happening. Severus recalled coming to Albus, sobbing and begging for his assistance.

But as the young man began to dress and find his wand, he bitterly doubted that the old man did anything. The daft bat sincerely thought everything would work itself out. Life doesn't work that way.

He apparated into Godric's Hollow and began walking to the house. The brisk autumn chilled him to the bone but he did not shiver or let his teeth chatter. This was not the time. Lily could be... dead. The thought made his throat tighten. A life without her green eyes and red hair.

Then he approached the house and all his hope shriveled to dust. The house was half-ruined, half-burnt. The walls were collapsing, the roof was completely gone and the smoke from the once conflagration floated lazily up to the night sky. The structure was still there, basically, but it was easily going to collapse. As he made his way through the scorched home, he realized now was the time to give up. No one could be alive. Lily was dead. It was time to accept that and turn back before he had to see her lifeless eyes.

Yet still he pressed on.

_She takes him in with her crying eyes,_  
><em>then all at once you have to say goodbye.<em>

After a few moments spent staring at James' body, he was still trying to decide whether to just walk on up the stairs or leave alone. Even in death, James seemed to separate the two of them. A faint smile appeared on Severus' face before tears started to appear.

He continued up the stairs, feeling his heart pound and his ears rush. He could faintly hear crying now. He turned and walked into the nursery and stopped.

Lily was lying in a painful position on the white carpet. Her green eyes were open and wide, still brimming with tears. The fiery red hair he always loved was splayed out above her head, almost like a halo. Her skin was pale, her joints starting to discolor. Severus rushed to her side, letting out a strangled scream.

"Lily!" He shouted, his voice cracking with denial and desperation equally. "Lily, Lily, please!" He pushed out the screams of her child, focusing on waking her up.

She was asleep. She had to be. "Lily, wake up, please, don't leave me," He sobbed out, cradling her head in his arms. The tears flowed easily and endlessly down his face but he didn't care one bit. "I love you, Lily, please, I'm so sorry, please!" He shouted the last one but in his mind, he knew his pleas were moot. She was dead. James was dead. All because of him and Lord Voldemort. He continued to cradle her, petting her hair, taking in her face for he knew he'd never see it again in reality after this night. "I'm so sorry. I never.. I'll make it up to you. Somehow, I'll.. I'm sorry," He reiterated, laying her down gently and standing up.

Before he could study the boy and observe how exactly he was alive and well, he heard a frazzled Sirius Black screaming for James just down below. Ruefully, Severus stared at Lily and let a small dry sob rack his body.

"Always, Lily." He heard the thundering footsteps of Black and apparated to the front door of his home, feeling exhausted, dreadfully depressed, and regretful.

_Wondering, could you stay, my love?_  
><em>Will you wake up by my side?<em>

_No she can't,_  
><em>cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.<em>

He fell onto his couch and began to sob loudly into his hands. He just wished he could've fixed everything. He could've begged more for her to forgive him. He could've been the bigger man and forgive James. He could've done so much to fix the past, to fix all that he touched and therefore destroyed.

If he was smarter, more mature, Lily would be in his bed right now, sleeping peacefully. She would've stayed with him if Severus wasn't such an immature git. He would wake up in the morning and see her green eyes sparkling just for him, just for the worthless boy who no one ever gave a damn about.

But wishing to change the past would do nothing now. He had the blood of his love on his hands. Everything was destroyed.

Lily Potter would lay six feet under the ground because of his jealousy.

_Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?_  
><em>Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?<em>  
><em>Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?<em>  
><em>Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?<em>  
><em>Would you get them if I did? <em>

Ten years down the road, Severus sat at the Head table, eyes glaring at his chicken. If his calculations were correct, and not to brag but they usually were, today was the day Lily's son would come to Hogwarts.

_Lily._

The heartache was still as painful as the night he stared into her lifeless eyes, begging to an unknown god to bring her back. He swallowed thickly and felt the presence of a hand on his back, attempting to be comforting. Severus looked up into the sympathetic eyes of his former professor and now colleague, Minerva.

"It's okay, Severus. She'd want you to be happy."

But how could you be happy and move on when it was all your fault?

He said nothing back, attempted a smile at her and continue to play with his food, appetite completely gone. The only times he ever saw her again was in his dreams. In his dreams, he could win her back, he could show that James Potter that he wasn't worthless.

_No, you won't,_  
><em>cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. <em>

Pointless, it was. No matter how suave he was to her in his dreams, it wasn't her. It wasn't his Lily. It wouldn't change a thing. The knife of guilt twisted itself in his stomach and he pushed his plate away. The past was the past. There was no point in trying to change it. There was no point in crying over it.

He looked up at the long line of first years and scanned for any arrogant little children that gave him the urge to silence them for life. His search ended in failure but he didn't stop looking at the line. He remembered when he and Lily were first years.

She whispered all the spells she knew and said to anyone who was listening how the ceiling was that way. Even as a first year, Lily Evans was the smartest Gryffindor of their generation. Gryffindor House was forever changed by her knowledge and kindness.

A tear threatened to fall down his cheeks but he held it in.

Remembering good memories of the dead did nothing to ease the pain of his loss.

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart,_  
><em>the waking up is the hardest part. <em>

"Potter, Harry!" Severus' glossy black eyes snapped up and he stared as the lanky, skinny boy made his way to the stool.

Merlin, he looked exactly like his father. Severus felt the urge to throw up.

A miniature James Potter running around the school, smirking and acting like he was royalty?

Severus wouldn't be able to control his hatred.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Harry walked tentatively over to the red and gold table and sat down next to one of the only Weasleys that wasn't a bumbling idiot. The boy engaged in some conversation with others and had the misfortune to meet Nearly Headless Nick.

Then it happened. With slow movement, Harry looked straight up at Severus and the older man's breath was taken away abruptly.

Sparkling, emerald green eyes.

Lily's eyes.


End file.
